October is scary movie month on all your favorite media outlets, and who doesn’t love to be scared? As a lover of all things spooky, (just ask me about my long term crush on David Duchovny for his portrayal of Fox “spooky” Mulder) I have decided to participate by giving you some of my all-time favorite forms of creepy entertainment 2022 has to offer.
In honor of my love of both spooky sobriquets and narratives. I have some spooky recommendations to help you get into the Halloween spirit.
If you want to be truly terrified, beyond all reason, begin by watching 20 minutes of TikTok Live. To be truly whiplashed between reality and surreality with M Night Shyamalan-esc twists and turns, it is imperative that you watch only content from the Post-1 am crew. Whether it’s the Late night wannabe cult leaders of Psychic TikTok or the pure chaos that is Prison TikTok, you are sure to find the thing that frightens you most. It’s algorithms will leave you so unsure of your own autonomy so much that you may begin to question the very concept of free will altogether.
If you prefer a more psychological thriller, check out YouTube for a 20 minute montage of Love Island couples arguing about which one of them is more toxic. It’s like War of the Roses, but if Michael Douglas’ character were played by a young Sylvester Stallone on high doses of steroids, just after suffering a traumatic brain energy, and Kathleen Turner’s character was being portrayed by that drunk girl that spends all of girls night out crying in the club’s bathroom. It will have you questioning not only your sanity, but the sanity of the world at large.
If you prefer a graphic revenge fantasy type horror, I highly recommend 15 minutes of scrolling through literally any dating app. It will leave you feeling partially disgusted, partially aroused, and all the way disheartened, longing for the days when you could quietly fall in love with a fictional character fantasy made real by two fingers, a body pillow, and a dream.
For traditional jump scare-lovers, I recommend 10 minutes of reading unsolicited messages from men in my DM Message requests folder. Scary stuff in that folder await you. It’s as if Schrodinger designed a messaging system, where each message simultaneously is and is not what you expected it would be.
Last but not least, if you are lover of Lynchian dystopia and want to experience something that leaves you with that powerful sense of dread rivaled only by a Clive Barker film, conclude your spooky sesh with 25 minutes listening to only the obnoxious guitar solos from rock ballads made by bands only your racist uncle remembers.
These are just a few things I have found truly horrifying over the last year. It is with great hope that I pass them on to you now. Hope that we can all find the fear and anxiety to once again propel us toward panic-buying our way into the Hallow-Thanks-Mas season. Thus propping up billionaires at the expense of our own mental health; like the good, hardworking Americans we are!
—Or we could all wear chunky sweaters, go outside, and play in the lovely fall weather like a bunch of dirty commies.
The choice is yours America.